Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Featured Author: Glenn Conley

Glenn doesn't hate all books. But he's very honest in his reviews of books. In fact, as the subtitle says, he's brutally honest. And he's compiled these brutally honest reviews into a book. Warning: there is a lot of unnecessary profanity in this post. Why? Because Glenn's speech is sprinkled liberally with a lot of unnecessary profanity. You have been warned.

About the book

WARNING: There's a lot of unnecessary profanity in this book.
 Why? Because ... Because REASONS!

This book contains over 100 brutally honest book reviews. These laugh-out-loud reviews are offensive in every way possible. There's so much unnecessary profanity, it's crazy. But it's not the profanity or offensiveness that makes this book worth reading. It's the honesty.

You will find 1 star reviews in this book that absolutely tear the book to shreds, because the book was really that bad. But you will also find 5 star reviews in this book, because the book was actually that good. 

It contains reviews of popular books such as Gone Girl, The Giver, The Maze Runner, and many other popular books. Of course, it also includes plenty of books you've probably never heard of.

There's reviews that urge you to read a book, because it's so good. And also, reviews that warn you to stay the hell away from certain books, because they're bad. So bad.

In the end, you'll laugh while reading this book. And cry. And possibly vomit. You've been warned.

Interview with Glenn Conley

Glenn, you have an interesting title for this book. What’s the story behind it?
Well, I listen to a podcast called "Doug Loves Movies." And I thought, wouldn't it be funny if there was a "Doug Hates Movies?" I mean, wouldn't that be a more interesting show? Just bashing the s*^t out of bad movies. So, I started a blog called "Glenn Hates Movies," and I posted some nasty reviews of movies there. But after a while, I found that I love movies too much. There aren't enough movies that I really hate. But damn, there's plenty of books to hate on. So I created the "Glenn Hates Books" blog, and the rest is history.

Where did you grow up?
Keizer, Oregon. It's a small town north of Salem, in Oregon. I hated living there.

I'm sensing a pattern. What’s your favorite memory?
Jesus Christ, my favorite memory of all time? F^*k me. That's 45 years of memories for f*^k's sake. Did I say 'f*^k' already? Good. Just making sure. My favorite memory is probably the look on my mom's face when, after our wedding, my wife gave her a card that said, “Remember, you're not gaining a daughter. You're losing a son.” That was priceless.

If you had $100 a week to spend on yourself, what would you buy?
Well, that's a stupid question. Everyone has $100 a week to spend on themselves, don't they? I'd buy the same s*^t I already do. Well, if I had an extra 100 a week, I'd probably save it, and buy something nice. Like a convertible.

Which is what I meant. An extra $100. Glad you caught on. And good luck on that convertible. 
What’s the dumbest purchase you’ve ever made?
Buying a Geo Metro, and paying way too much for it. At the time, I was actually a new car salesman at a Toyota dealership. But my dealer was taking its sweet time finding me a car, so I went across town and bought that stupid Geo, and in the process got myself ripped off. And my wife cried that I traded in our 73 Chevy Caprice. I was sad after a while too, because we both f*^king loved that car. It just wasn't very practical any more.

What’s the most valuable thing you’ve learned?
Write every day. It doesn't matter what you write about. Just write every goddamn day. At least 500 words. If you keep that up, you can write a novel in no time at all.

Who would you pick to write your biography?
Michael Lewis. I've read a couple of his books, and he's a very good storyteller when it comes to people's lives.

What dumb things did you do during your college years? (I can't wait to hear this.)
Let's see, I had two years of college at George Fox University, a private Quaker college. If you're not familiar with the Quaker movement, it's like Christianity on crack. They're very strict. No kissing or hugging permitted on campus. If you were caught, you were sent to the Dean, and may get expelled. It was hilarious, because everyone was f*^king. I mean, that's the prime f*^k years of your life. If you don't f*^k like mad in college, you're going to miss out on the best f*^k years of your life.

But that's not the hilarious bit. It was funny because everyone had to find secret places to f*^k. At night people would break into the various campus buildings, and f*^k in secret. Cracked me up one time. I Was working security, and we found a couple f*^king in the prayer room. Now that's just plain naughty.

My wife and I were no exception. We would sneak into different buildings every night so we could f*^k like rabbits. During the day we would have to make sure to leave a window cracked in the building, so we could sneak in. It was quite fun, and incredibly stupid.

What do you love about where you live?
I live in Sandy, Oregon. It's a small town near Mt. Hood. I love it here. Not too cold, and not too hot. And the rain turns me on, so there's that. hehehe

What is the most daring thing you've done? (Again, this ought to be good.)
Had sex with my wife on a crowded beach, surrounded by our friends. We were under a blanket, but it was still pretty bloody obvious. Someone on the beach finally screamed “Oh my God! They're doing it!” And our friends turned to see me humping furiously to finish. Good times.

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done?
Well, back in the late 90's, I had a very successful business. My business partner suggested that we start playing the stock market. Three months later, I was arrested for securities fraud. If I had just stuck with my original business plan, and not listened to that f*^king asshole, I would have never been arrested and sent to jail. For that small mistake, I was sentenced to 36 months in a federal prison.

Yeah, that's pretty stupid. What’s one thing that you wish you knew as a teenager that you know now?
Write every day. I think I've already mentioned that mantra, but it's worth repeating.

What makes you bored?
Reading. LOL. Seriously, so many books bore me to tears. That's why I write such flaming reviews of books. Because they piss me off so much.

What choices in life would you like to have a redo on?

The business decision I mentioned above. And I should have studied writing in college, instead of film. And I wish I would have chosen a career that I actually enjoyed, instead of one that I grew to hate. I mean, I wish I knew back then that I should work at something I enjoy, not for the money, but because I actually enjoy doing it.

What makes you nervous?
Speaking in public.

What makes you happy?

What makes you scared?
Spiders. F*^king hate spiders.

Ditto. Here's a free tip: spiders hate peppermint. Put some peppermint oil in a spray bottle with water and spray around all your doors. Windows probably would be a good idea too. You're welcome. What makes you excited? (Besides the tip I just gave you.)

Movies. When a new movie that I'm really looking forward to is about to come out, I get giddy like a f*^king schoolgirl.

Do you have another job outside of writing?


Who are you?
Are you getting philosophical on me? I sure hope not. I'm not a complicated guy. Well, most guys aren't complicated. But I'm even less so. I'm very shallow. Like an air head. In college, everyone thought I was a complete idiot. Because I acted like one. Only my wife-to-be noticed that I had actual intelligence. So who am I really? I'm a very smart guy, who's learned to mask his intelligence. Because people don't like smart people. People love an air head.

I think you're hanging with the wrong people. What are your most cherished mementoes? Things? Can't say that I have any. You could burn everything that I own, and I wouldn't care.

If you could only save one thing from your house, what would it be?
My computer. Well, assuming my wife could get out by herself, of course.

What brings you sheer delight?
When an author gets upset that I gave his book a bad review. Oh my God. I f*^king love that s*^t. I laugh and laugh like a f*^king schoolgirl. It's f*^king hilarious. I live for that s*^t.

You are truly a unique individual. Would you rather be a lonely genius, or a sociable idiot?
A sociable idiot.

Well, that's pretty obvious. Just kidding. What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“You can have everything you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want.” Zig Ziggler.

“There's no such thing as bad publicity.” Unknown

That's two, but I'll let it slide. If you could live anywhere in the world, where in the world would it be?
Hawaii. Maui, to be more specific. F*^king love that island. We made a mistake one year and went to one of the smaller islands. It turned out to be a f*^king hippy commune island. So much so that we couldn't find any restaurants on the island that served beef. Or chicken. It was like a vegetarian island, for f*^k's sake. When we finally found a McDonald's, we were in heaven.

What would you like people to say about you after you die?

“He was an asshole!”

That's probably a pretty safe bet. Again, just kidding. What’s your favorite line from a book?
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

How did you create the plot for this book?
Considering that it's nonfiction, there isn't a plot per se. Just the ramblings of a complete idiot. I'm talking about me. I'm the idiot. Everyone smile and wave at the idiot.

Is your book based on real events?
Yes. I really do f*^king hate books. Well, I don't hate all books. That'd be silly. I hate books that suck.

One of your characters has just found out you’re about to kill him off. He decides to beat you to the punch. How would he kill you?
Put me through a wood chipper. Or nuke me from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

With what five real people would you most like to be stuck in a bookstore?
Let's see, Ryan Gossling, Brad Pitt, Charlese Theron, Emma Watson, and Scarlett Johansen ... Just so I can stand there and drool.

I've never been a fan of bookstores. My wife used to drag me to them all the time, and I always ended up taking a nap in a stuffed chair until she was finished.

Well, that's just silly. Who are your favorite authors?
Douglas Adams, Edward Lee, Michael Lewis to name a few.

What book are you currently reading?
Horror Stories, by Jack Kilborn.

What’s one pet peeve you have when you read?
Finding errors. There are always errors, and it f*^king drives me nuts. I also hate it when I read something that's written in "British English," or the author's idea of British English. They misuse quotes, among other things.

Do you have a routine for writing?
I usually write first thing in the morning. Well, after breakfast. Because that way, it takes a priority.

Where and when do you prefer to do your writing?
At my desk. In my house. Where else? I don't understand those freaks that do their writing at Starbucks. What the f*^k is wrong with their house?

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received about your writing?

“You're f*^king hilarious!” I love it when people actually understand what my book is about.

If you could be a ghostwriter for any famous author, who would you pick?
Stephen King. He needs a f*^king ghost writer, because his latest novels have sucked donkey balls.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to write?
Fiction can be a challenge for me, because I hate writing about normal people. You know, people that don't f*^king swear in every goddamn sentence. Every time I have to create one of those characters, it's a challenge. And it f*^king pisses me off. But, unfortunately, all characters can't be like me.

Where is your favorite library, and what do you love about it?
I hate libraries.

You can be any fictional character for one day. Who would you be? 
Zaphod Beeblebrox.

What’s the worst thing someone has said about your writing? How did you deal with it?
“Why are you so angry?” I told them that I'm not angry at all. I'm the happiest, most well-adjusted guy I know.

Why did you decide to self-publish?

Because, f*^k publishers! I'm sick and tired of submitting my s*^t to publishers. You know, one time I was so tired of rejections that I sent a letter to a publisher, with my manuscript, and a note that said something like, “F*^k you, man! You don't want to publish my book. Don't even f*^king look at it. Throw it in the motherf*^king trash. And after you've done that, go f*^k yourself.” Believe it or not, that submission actually got published. Apparently, telling a publisher to 'go f*^k yourself' is not something they see every day.

Go figure. Are you happy with your decision to self-publish?

Yes. My road to self-publish was a short one. I just woke up one day and decided, F*^k it. I'm just going to collect my reviews into a book and self-publish that s*^t. What's the worst that could happen?

If you self-published, what steps to publication did you personally do, and what did you hire someone to do? Is there anyone you’d recommend for a particular service? (e.g. formatting, cover art, editing…)
I wrote and formatted the book myself. The formatting being the hardest part. It was a royal pain in the ass to get it perfect for the Kindle format. The editing was done expertly by my wife. Didn't have to hire anyone for anything. A professional cover designer did offer her services to me for free, and she created some neat covers, but in the end, I, or actually my wife, decided that my original cover that I made myself was better.

What are you working on now?

The novel I'm currently working on is called Killing Every Day. It's about a guy who has just lost his wife to cancer. His whole life he's been holding in a monster. He's always wanted to kill people, but didn't want to upset his happy family life. Now, he's got nothing to lose, so he's going to kill someone every goddamn day. He's going to cause chaos in a small town, where there hasn't been a murder in over ten years.

About the author

Glenn Conley learned to hate books from a very early age. Because reading a book was homework and he absolutely hated homework. It wasn't until his early teens that he started reading for his own enjoyment. Now he writes horror and science fiction stories. And he's obsessed with writing brutally honest book reviews.

Connect with Glenn:
Website  |  Blog  |  Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Goodreads